Changes and Labels...

As you may or may not have noticed, I have changed the name.  I am no longer "Manda: In Training." 

I have curves.  I like carbs.  No matter what I do, these two things are never going to change.  I'm never going to be a vegan and run marathons.  I need to remember that Torrid is always going to be a store of choice and I will always reach for that second piece of bread.

Embracing who I am, my curves and slight carb obsession, will be a huge part of finding who I am.  I mean, obviously I am Cristian's mom and Blake's wife.  I'm Mark and Mary's daughter.  I am Kyle's older sister and Joe's niece.  I am Claire, Katie, Nadine, Jess, Leigh, Annie, Cathy, Renee, Lisa, Fe and Cassie's (just to name a few) friend.  I am a biller for GSH.  But other than that, who exactly is Mandy?  Behind the mask of labels, what makes me...me?

I know superficial things about myself:

• Polka dots make the world go 'round.
• I could live in flip-flops if they were work-appropriate and I didn't live in snowy Wisconsin.
• I will always stop if I see a sign that says at least 50% off.
• Dolphins are my weakness.
• Ketchup goes with just about anything.

But, other than that, I'm kind of lost.  I don't even know if I'm good at the things I've been labeled.  I need to search deeper and find who I am.  That's my goal for 2011.  Expose myself (not literally) to, well, myself.

Do not get me wrong, many things about this blog are not going to change.  I am still going to post deals and pictures and crafts.  I am still going to rant and rave.  But there are times I am going to go deeper.

And there just might be a carb-infested goodie in my hand while I do so...

Cotton Candy Carbs?  Yes, please!

<3m

I'm so...

If you're a 90's child like myself, you know this Saved by the Bell video.  And you've laughed at it, undoubtedly.

But think about it for a second.  Haven't you ever felt like that?  Let's be honest here, we all have.

Examples, you ask?
-Graduating high school and going to college
-Meeting the one and getting married
-Having a baby
-Finding the perfect job

You are all excited at first.  Life is great and it couldn't get better...and then the anxiety kicks in.  What if college isn't all it's cracked up to be?  What if that person isn't the one?  What if I'm a horrible parent?  What if I do something to screw this job up?  Now you have completely scared yourself.

Well, my friends (and hopefully slowly growing faithful reading audience), I have managed to get myself into one of these pickles yet again.  Except I went from fear to hope to a combination of both (depending on the moment, quite honestly).

First, a little background.  Went to the doctor for a physical in June.  My thyroid level was extraordinarily high, so I was put on thyroid medication.  After discussing things with my mother, who also has thyroid problems, I went and saw her endocrinologist.  In addition to the perceived hypothyroidism my primary care physician diagnosed, I magically contracted Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and metabolic syndrome as well.  I hit the proverbial hormonal jackpot.

Two new medications and a threat to lose 80 pounds or else consideration for bariatric surgery later, and I am scared out of my mind.  Backed by a wonderful support system of family, friends, co-workers, and the like, that fear turned into hope that I could in fact do this.  I set up a profile on My Fitness Pal (MamaMandabear -- feel free to add me as a friend) and started really watching what I ate.  I also really started a fitness plan.  The elliptical is now my best friend (and watching SBTB this morning is what prompted this whole entry, actually).

I can't help but shake the feeling that I will fail, inevitably, as I always have before.  I lose the weight for a bit and then gain it all back plus an added bonus of a few more.  I don't want surgery.  I also do not want to go back to bulimia.

Being a bulimic was probably the lowest point of my life.  Sneaking around, shoving my hand down my throat, hiding the scars on my knuckles and blood shot eyes.  And for what?  Nothing.  I quite honestly have no idea what I was trying to accomplish.  Bulimia is not like it is in the teenage movies where the weight magically comes off.  I got nowhere fast, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't give it up.  It became my drug.

I thank God each and every day for Cristian.  Becoming pregnant with him helped cure me once and for all of my bulimia.  Without him, who knows how much longer I could have kept the charade up.

Bottomline, I want to be in this for the long haul.  So if you get sick of my posts on Twitter and Facebook, I suggest we end this friendship now.  Not because I am an attention whore.  But because I need support.  Support is my lifeline right now.

My wrist says FAITH.  I suppose I should have some in myself.  That's always been difficult for me.

So at the risk of sounding like a bad 90's sitcom.  I'm so excited.  I'm so excited!  I'm so...scared.

<3m

Sooner or Later...

I watched this amazing video via Parenting on Twitter and it really made me think.  My life has become such a routine, I forget how things were.  Before Blake and Cristian.  Before my job.  Before bills.  Before graduating.  Let me just say it, before LIFE happened.  Somehow I am twenty-five and an adult.  How did this happen?  I don't think I authorized this!

But I did.  We all do.  When we look forward to tomorrow or the next day or Christmas or our birthday, we are wishing our lives away.  When we want a day to end and to never be remembered again, we are wishing our lives away.  I am not saying this to depress you.   Just to make you think.  After reflecting with some of my co-workers about 1990's trends and fads, we realized that we missed our childhoods.  When we were head-first in our childhoods, we wanted to be where we are now.  Too much wishing and hoping for the future does not allow you to enjoy your present to the fullest of your ability.  Now that we're here, we want to go back.

If you could go back in time and tell yourself things at certain times, would you? Would you go to your five, six, or even seven-year-old self? Your twelve or thirteen-year-old self? The pre-high school you? The bachelor/bachelorette you? The person you were before children? If you would, what would you say?

I would go back.  There are a few things I need to tell myself:

*At 7: That little boy calling you "fat" is not a good enough reason to starve yourself.  Do not do it.  You get caught and do not even get to spend the money you saved.

*At 8: He was a jerk for throwing your brother in the pool, but you should have known he was a jerk.  What a waste of a first kiss!

*At 13: These friends you have will not be your friends in the future.  Do not change yourself for them.

*At 14: You are smart, but you don't need to take special tests or have a special diploma to do it.  Do not worry high school away.  Enjoy it.  It all works out in the end.

*At 15: Do not stop being friends with Renee.  I can't even remember why you stopped being her friend in the first place, which obviously means it was not worth it.

*At 16: He's gay.  Do not take him to prom because he is going to ruin it for you.  Go alone.

*At 18: You should have tried to work your friendship with your best friend in high school out.  You tried to run away from the problem, but that did not work out so well.  You were supposed to grow up together, not separately.  You didn't always have to be best friends, but you could have settled for a friendship of some kind.

*At 19: Yes, he is scary. And you do not understand all of what he's saying.  And he won't stop touching you.  But Mom is right.  It does all work out in the end.  By the way, they are all lying about him because the little one is trying to break you up.  Watch out for her.  And for his "best friend."  They are both nothing but problems.

*At 20: There are two types of friends you should get rid of.  One being the kind you should have never had in the first place because she is vicious and nasty and will cause nothing put problems (except for meeting the future Godmother of your child).  Second being the kind that you grow up with but grow apart from.  Cut her off sooner than later and you will save yourself a world of hurt.

*At 21: Drinking that whole fishbowl by yourself was not a good idea.  Do not ever do that again.

*At 22: Enjoy your sleep.  You are making the right move by switching careers.  Your heart is in education, but not politics.  You will find your way to a great job.

*At 23: Take weekly belly bump pictures.  Savor your time at home with him.  Watch him sleep.  Don't wish he start walking until he's ready.

*At 24: He loves you.  He just has a lot going on.  Don't doubt that he cares about you, but make sure you take care of yourself.  Get your finger from down your throat.  It's not worth it.

*At All Ages: Don't eat for comfort.  Working out is hard, but there are ways you can make it more enjoyable.  Cherish your moments with Nana and Papa -- you are going to miss them more than you can ever realize.

I fell victim today of realizing I had fast-forwarded through my son's first years of life.  All of a sudden, he's a toddler reaching up for me and crying "Mama no go!"  If you know me, you know I could not be a stay-at-home Mom.  But I really wanted to sit with him and play all day -- at least the moments he's a good boy.  I can't let that happen.

Yes, I am working out and eating healthier for myself.  But I'm also doing it for him.  So I can be there for the long haul.  To enjoy all of the little things.

So I won't have to go back and tell my twenty-five-year-old self to live for the moment.  I, as a twenty-five-year-old, am going to do just that.  The dishes and the laundry and the bills and even sleep can wait.  Before I know it, he will be twenty-five.  I will have missed out on not only his life, but mine if I do not live.

In closing, my mom has a statement that she always says.  Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.  Stop worrying.  Just live.

<3m